I thought I would share with you a bit about my life and how I got to suffer from PND/OCD and also explain JOSHUA ... and why even though I have three beautiful children I hard ever talk about him
I have three children Joshua 14, Bethany 12, and Bobbi 3
I was diagnosed with PND with Bethany after having a very traumatic birth which lead to her being a very unsettled
constantly crying for about 6 months, at the time I had Joshua who was 2.5 years and potty training, I was in a very bad marriage (mental and physical abuse) ... I was put on Prozac no questions asked and I remained on them until 2005 when I left my husband after 5 years of trying to leave ... I had been with him since the age of 16. His punishment to me was to kidnap and brainwash Joshua who was 11 at the time. 3 weeks later I met my soul mate Russ (we were old school friends) got talking again on friends reunited met and basically fell head over hills in love. It could not have happened at a worse time. Roughly 12 weeks after that I fell pregnant with Bobbi. The next 3 years were a living hell. My ex refused to divorce me for 2 years and the money from the sale of our house was tied up with solicitors until the divorce went through, I could not work because I was really sick with my pregnancy and coping with courts and the loss of my son was unbearable, at times I was suicidal. The courts granted my son to my ex because my son stood up in court at the age of 12 and said that he wanted to live with his father. This crucified me and for the remainder of my pregnancy I took to my bed, depressed. I made sure that my daughter remained in contact with her brother and her father even though it sickened me when she went but I have always held my head high as being the better person, he cannot say that about the son he has brainwashed against me. Bobbi was born after a terrifying birth where we both nearly died, I had to have emer c section, then he developed acid reflux and was continuous sick at first I could contain this but once he was mobile I fell to bits I developed OCD and frantically cleaned morning noon and night room by room for fear of sick germs I would not allow anybody in my home apart from the 4 of us and when we went out which was not often we would have to strip and bath, I became obsessed. Financially we struggled and that was also hard to cope with until my money was released. In fact I really dont know how we got through it. Russ is my rock and without him I would not be here I love him so much. I was given citalopram 40mg when Bob was 1 and I am still on them. I have had national health counselling but it was not good and was told that I had to go on a
list for two years for the CBT.
With Russ' suppport and my mums I have managed to pull through the worst, I still have no contact with my son and that has taken so much out of me, the counsellor told me that I had to basically mourn him like he had died and concentrate on the family I have as they needed me more, she told me that Joshua would one day come back to me, and that I could not go on punishing myself for the way things had turned out, he would one day realise when he was older perhaps having a family of his own and see exactly what his father did.
I am only just starting to enjoy my life again, I still have OCD but have got it down to a small cleaning routine in the mornings for 2/3 hours .... Bob is ok now but I am now emetophobic which generally means afraid of sick, coming into contact with sick fear of being sick I have panic attacks if I know that I have been near somebody and they fall sick because I think I will catch it and the same goes for Russ, Bobbi and Bethany I dont think I will ever be cured of that!
I no longer have PND but the citalopram does
me with the anxiety and the panic attacks as well as calming me with the OCD obsessional thoughts with dirt and germs. I am terrified of coming off them because I really do not want to go back to that dark place ever. I am not sure right now about what to do with coming off them. I have a routine check up with the pills in a couple of months.
ANYWAY sorry that was long, but I just thought I would share my story with you ... thank you for listening x
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to you hun. You been through alot. Am glad its getting easier for you now.But you boy will one day wake up and realize that is father is to blame.Maybe not now but he will when hes older.Your lucky to have a man like you got.You don't get many off them about. You take care xxxx
4 u babe anytime this is very hard 4 me to say but i want u to understand i know how u feel i have another daughter i dont talk about her name is karen she was born at 26 weeks weighing just 1lb 10oz but has survived i misscarried her twin i neary died after karen was born and again with alicia but karen now 10 due to her medical needs i never had her home from hospital i worry to talk about it cos worry peeps will judge me but karen was on life support machine 10 weeks as i watched her in her incubator and was on oxegen for 5 years and other stuff but not a day goes by i dont think of her its like losing a child but u cant grieve sorry feel im going on but thought that might 